Wait for the tumble
Look to the ground
Almost to stumble
But without sound
Thus follows the fault
Of the clumsy employee
Who dared to resolve
That she'd earn some money!!
7/4/11
4/26/11
Lent is Over, Out Comes the Mental Vomit
So, like the title says, my lent (40 day abstinence from something you usually need, similar to Jesus Christ's 40 day fast, ending on Easter) is over!! I was "lenting" from facebook and blogging. And now I'm back. And I don't think I'll just stick to poems with this blog anymore. I think I'm at the point where I need to figure out who the heck I am. And, like any 21st century girl, I'm going to share this personal discovery with the world wide web.
So, what is UP in my life???
Well, in two days I'll be forced to go to California for a cousin's wedding. I already epitomize awkwardness; this is usually heightened in wedding settings. But I don't think I'm going to go to the reception, just do baptisms while they get married, so that's painless.
Let's see, what else?
Oh yeah! I've renewed an old friendship with this guy from my school. I've decided all people depicted in my blog will just have initials. It's more fun that way. So anyways, I've renewed my friendship with TRG. Via facebook sort of but also in person. It just started the other day when I was in a reallllly happy mood. And nobody can make me laugh as hard as TRG can, apparently. Well, maybe, but he's pretty regular about it so it just feels that way. But yeah, we talked about prom and who he's taking and he said he wanted to take my friend AT but he also wanted to take this other girl that I convinced him to take since that's who he wanted to take anyways. I feel like I need to do separate posts for all these different things that are happening in my life; but there's too much and I want to get it all out now.
Hmm what else?
I'm in a play. Les Miserables. It's pretty miserable actually. That's one of the reasons I'm becoming better friends with TRG; he's in it as well. I don't know why I'm even in it; it just monopolizes my time and I'm not even that important of a character. But I love being stress-fully busy and killing myself with neglect of regular things. Like sleep. Tonight I'm pulling an all-nighter then going to school tomorrow, er, later today. I've never done it and I think it is time.
I'm pretty excited about it, actually. If I could have any super power it would be to not need sleep.
Anything else?
Ohhhhhhh yeah. My Mexican. CEO; funny, I never noticed those were his initials. Well, he's a big part of my life right now. And I just went through all of his facebook pictures for the first time. It was...discouraging. I can't believe that a guy as attractive and talented and cool as him would even THINK about dating me, much less DO it. I saw a picture of his old girlfriend, I think. She's super pretty and preppy and pretty much what I'm not. Today was our two month anniversary. He bought me a card. How cute is that? And yet...I don't want it. UGH! That's another thing; I don't know how to be all cutesy-romantic like he is. I think it's a Mexican thing actually. They all seem to accept cheesy stuff like that as normal. I just feel dopey and self-conscious whenever I try it. It's awful. But it seems to be expected. I don't know if I can handle it anymore. But I KNOW I couldn't handle breaking up. Not right now. So...I'm stuck. And he seems to think we'll be together for a long time. I don't know where he gets that idea; I certainly don't promise anything. For instance, I've decided to just graduate now, my junior year, and go to UVU next year in Orem. He's decided to go to Springville high, and asked if I wanted to go there. If it was switched...I don't know what he'd do. Hopefully he'd move on, like I think I might. He's a fabulous guy but I just...don't...feel like I want it to be for too long. Is that terrible? I just want a boyfriend to have fun and feel loved for a little bit and then move on. That's it.
I hung out with this awesome girl, SV, whom I love, and she's in college, and has these really high standards and I just feel so good when I'm with her that I wonder if that feeling is worth giving up on love, ya know? That's what the decision feels like: love or obedience? Love or my parents' trust? Which would you choose?
I've been choosing love but I don't feel like this is a permanent thing. I want to choose the right. Soon. Yuck; who puts off doing the right thing? Apparently I do. OH whoops I guess I should explain a little. For me, for my family, the Right Thing includes not steady dating anyone until you're ready to get married, not really kissing, DEFINITELY not making out, and if you go past that you're going to hell. Well, okay, not really, but sometimes it feels like that's what I'm choosing. But I don't feel bad about it, not at all. Just unsure if that's what I want. In English today we responded to a quote that is totally applicable to my life right now, so I wrote it down.
"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things , or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want." -Margaret Young
So, yeah, I've decided to focus on "first being who I really am". Because, sadly, with CEO, I'm not all of me. He has this look that he gives me. It's a mixture of "that's weird" and "I don't get it". For some reason I REALLY don't want him to look at me that way. So I try to stay...normal. And that's probably why he thinks we get along so well. I'm not myself all the way and I think I've had my fill of whatever it is he can give me. But I'm not going to break up with him. I can't.
So, what is UP in my life???
Well, in two days I'll be forced to go to California for a cousin's wedding. I already epitomize awkwardness; this is usually heightened in wedding settings. But I don't think I'm going to go to the reception, just do baptisms while they get married, so that's painless.
Let's see, what else?
Oh yeah! I've renewed an old friendship with this guy from my school. I've decided all people depicted in my blog will just have initials. It's more fun that way. So anyways, I've renewed my friendship with TRG. Via facebook sort of but also in person. It just started the other day when I was in a reallllly happy mood. And nobody can make me laugh as hard as TRG can, apparently. Well, maybe, but he's pretty regular about it so it just feels that way. But yeah, we talked about prom and who he's taking and he said he wanted to take my friend AT but he also wanted to take this other girl that I convinced him to take since that's who he wanted to take anyways. I feel like I need to do separate posts for all these different things that are happening in my life; but there's too much and I want to get it all out now.
Hmm what else?
I'm in a play. Les Miserables. It's pretty miserable actually. That's one of the reasons I'm becoming better friends with TRG; he's in it as well. I don't know why I'm even in it; it just monopolizes my time and I'm not even that important of a character. But I love being stress-fully busy and killing myself with neglect of regular things. Like sleep. Tonight I'm pulling an all-nighter then going to school tomorrow, er, later today. I've never done it and I think it is time.
I'm pretty excited about it, actually. If I could have any super power it would be to not need sleep.
Anything else?
Ohhhhhhh yeah. My Mexican. CEO; funny, I never noticed those were his initials. Well, he's a big part of my life right now. And I just went through all of his facebook pictures for the first time. It was...discouraging. I can't believe that a guy as attractive and talented and cool as him would even THINK about dating me, much less DO it. I saw a picture of his old girlfriend, I think. She's super pretty and preppy and pretty much what I'm not. Today was our two month anniversary. He bought me a card. How cute is that? And yet...I don't want it. UGH! That's another thing; I don't know how to be all cutesy-romantic like he is. I think it's a Mexican thing actually. They all seem to accept cheesy stuff like that as normal. I just feel dopey and self-conscious whenever I try it. It's awful. But it seems to be expected. I don't know if I can handle it anymore. But I KNOW I couldn't handle breaking up. Not right now. So...I'm stuck. And he seems to think we'll be together for a long time. I don't know where he gets that idea; I certainly don't promise anything. For instance, I've decided to just graduate now, my junior year, and go to UVU next year in Orem. He's decided to go to Springville high, and asked if I wanted to go there. If it was switched...I don't know what he'd do. Hopefully he'd move on, like I think I might. He's a fabulous guy but I just...don't...feel like I want it to be for too long. Is that terrible? I just want a boyfriend to have fun and feel loved for a little bit and then move on. That's it.
I hung out with this awesome girl, SV, whom I love, and she's in college, and has these really high standards and I just feel so good when I'm with her that I wonder if that feeling is worth giving up on love, ya know? That's what the decision feels like: love or obedience? Love or my parents' trust? Which would you choose?
I've been choosing love but I don't feel like this is a permanent thing. I want to choose the right. Soon. Yuck; who puts off doing the right thing? Apparently I do. OH whoops I guess I should explain a little. For me, for my family, the Right Thing includes not steady dating anyone until you're ready to get married, not really kissing, DEFINITELY not making out, and if you go past that you're going to hell. Well, okay, not really, but sometimes it feels like that's what I'm choosing. But I don't feel bad about it, not at all. Just unsure if that's what I want. In English today we responded to a quote that is totally applicable to my life right now, so I wrote it down.
"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things , or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want." -Margaret Young
So, yeah, I've decided to focus on "first being who I really am". Because, sadly, with CEO, I'm not all of me. He has this look that he gives me. It's a mixture of "that's weird" and "I don't get it". For some reason I REALLY don't want him to look at me that way. So I try to stay...normal. And that's probably why he thinks we get along so well. I'm not myself all the way and I think I've had my fill of whatever it is he can give me. But I'm not going to break up with him. I can't.
2/6/11
Verdant
Shimmering sea
Beautiful tree
Magical earth
Color of rebirth
Rot and disease
Mold on dead fleas
Wilted, painful, dead
Ugly, graphic, dread
All perspective
Beautiful tree
Magical earth
Color of rebirth
Rot and disease
Mold on dead fleas
Wilted, painful, dead
Ugly, graphic, dread
All perspective
2/5/11
Abscond
Depart from the heart
This, my favorite escape,
A worthy tool in denial
Is a secret murderer
While absconding me away from pain
Simply because, if I wish to return
I can't find my heart again
This, my favorite escape,
A worthy tool in denial
Is a secret murderer
While absconding me away from pain
Simply because, if I wish to return
I can't find my heart again
2/1/11
Rakish
The supercilious soul
waits with a wonder in his eye
convinced there could be no
one else who would even try.
Thus the over-confidence:
there is hardly a cause to neglect
recognizing repetitive experience
he is the cause and effect
waits with a wonder in his eye
convinced there could be no
one else who would even try.
Thus the over-confidence:
there is hardly a cause to neglect
recognizing repetitive experience
he is the cause and effect
A Combination of E.E.Cummings and Dictionary.com
My speaking (just perchancely)
has lack and repaired it might experience
aspections of improvability
thereforeby chronologicalizing me as one
obtained by intelligence
and height my credit amongst the smarts
has lack and repaired it might experience
aspections of improvability
thereforeby chronologicalizing me as one
obtained by intelligence
and height my credit amongst the smarts
1/24/11
Misunderstood
What if
What was red to me
wasn't red to you?
You saw a color that looked more like my blue?
But how could we test it?
How could we tell?
That what is obviously my world
Would be misunderstood so well
If you poked around in my head
Looked through my eyes
And noticed that, instead
of black being what you thought
Through my eyes it is not
There's no way to truly prove or guess
That what you see and I see
Converge without some sort of mess
Of judgment
What was red to me
wasn't red to you?
You saw a color that looked more like my blue?
But how could we test it?
How could we tell?
That what is obviously my world
Would be misunderstood so well
If you poked around in my head
Looked through my eyes
And noticed that, instead
of black being what you thought
Through my eyes it is not
There's no way to truly prove or guess
That what you see and I see
Converge without some sort of mess
Of judgment
For Now
On my mind
Life is not so easy to spread among friends on a verbal sandwich
Or drip casually into the collective bucket
Mine
And they possess their own living.
Unasked, untold - I'll ease myself sideways through comfort functions
My profile is pleasing angled this way, no?
Just HA
LF
of my face, but enough for now
For now
I'm fine, how are you?
That's all
Tell us about weekend-and-laughter touches
It's all we need to hear, here
Until the end
My anxious is bearable
Waiting and made busy
Except for the timing of oddness
When the swish and swirl of familiar colors is dizzying
All that can be done then
Must be done alone.
Run out the spell into subsiding
Life is not so easy to spread among friends on a verbal sandwich
Or drip casually into the collective bucket
Mine
And they possess their own living.
Unasked, untold - I'll ease myself sideways through comfort functions
My profile is pleasing angled this way, no?
Just HA
LF
of my face, but enough for now
For now
I'm fine, how are you?
That's all
Tell us about weekend-and-laughter touches
It's all we need to hear, here
Until the end
My anxious is bearable
Waiting and made busy
Except for the timing of oddness
When the swish and swirl of familiar colors is dizzying
All that can be done then
Must be done alone.
Run out the spell into subsiding
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